Still A Lovely Life By Rachel

A Sweet Glistening

Rachel / August 3, 2011

The ‘Chemo Cave’ is not as bad as you would think. I have a beautiful room, full of air and light and when the windows are open I can hear the birds and feel the sweet breeze on my face. That, with the quiet hum of the circular saws and methodical nail guns that echo throughout the construction sites surrounding us, is a meditative paradise.

My room is full of inspiration, with photos, flowers, drawings, and notes everywhere which make me so happy and keeps me going. The Brave Man has set up a fancy sound system, so I get to listen to our favourite French music, jazz and others, which takes me back to different happy times in my life, as only music can do.

2004
Me and my Dad on my wedding day

Today I listen to Blossom Dearie, music my beautiful and kind Dad introduced me to when I was a kid.

As I lie here in the chemo haze and fuzziness, life’s thoughts drift in and out. Naturally most of them about my little fairy and the Brave Man’s future and hoping like anything, that I will be there with them. I think about what I can do now, so that Sienna will always remember me if anything was to happen. Putting together letters, photos, cards, stories about what I was like when I was little, so memories don’t fade.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a sad thing to do, it’s nice to look back and see what a lovely life it has been.

WISDOM

My Dad a Wise Man

One thing my mind distracts me with is, what would I like Sienna to learn about in life. How will she learn to value others, how can I teach her the wisdom to weather life’s inevitable challenges. To get through them and use the experience to be a better person. Will she reach her full potential as a beautiful and compassionate person that I know she will be?

How does this all happen if I’m not around?

Don’t worry I’m not going down the spin cycle of ‘woe is me’, just a few little questions and thoughts I have to run by myself.

The Brave Man and the Fairy
Happy to be home from cycling

Of course, there is no doubt that the Brave Man will be there by the little fairy’s side. He’s a wonderful father who, with his own beautiful and loving nature, will continue to pass on everything that’s good within himself to Sienna. But what if he’s a husband grieving?

Someone turn that ‘spin cycle’ off!

So a few weeks ago I decided to invent the ‘Glistening’, a non-religious christening!

As Gary and I are not religious, we didn’t go down the path of ‘god parents’ or a christening. God, Jesus, second comings are just not part of our belief system, although we do gratefully accept any spare prayers from any denominations coming our way.

I did ask Sienna one day who was Jesus, and she replied, “You know mum, you say his name all the time”. “Jeezuz, I thought, she doesn’t miss a trick that kid!”

She did also, tell me that God worked at her school and even more impressive, was that God was a woman! Now that’s a perk of a private school I wasn’t aware of.

SUPPORT

“It takes a village to raise up a child”

African Proverb

I saw the Glistening as a lovely moment for a small gathering of family and friends to come together to show Sienna the love and support they have for her, now and in her future.

Of course, no Glistening would be complete without Fairy Godmother’s!

The choice of Fairy Godmother’s were easy. My two beautiful ‘besty troops’, who hold amazing qualities that compliment each other. They’re such unique and special people, and we know that as Sienna grows and spends time with them, she’ll be lucky enough to see what we see too.

Fairy Godmother’s

That and the fact they’re both very stylish, clever and are a good judge of character when it comes to husband choice!

All bases must be covered!

NURTURE

1970
Me and my mum, the nurturer

Having ‘other mother’s’ or Fairy Godmothers, who Sienna could always turn to in times of need, happiness or advice, is something that I have always wanted for her. I know that they will always do what they can to keep her safe, happy and nurtured.

INSTINCT

My stomach churns at the prospect of her being sad and missing me, and me not having my mummy arms around her to say, “there there”.

I remember my own mum telling me, the hardest thing about when she lost my sister Megan, all those years ago, was not being able to put her arms around her and tell her that “everything would be ok”. I understand now, that terrible heartache my mum must have felt. There’s nothing like the natural instincts and protection of a mum for her child.

1973
Sisterly Love

These thoughts are just passing thoughts that sometimes get caught up in my ‘spin cycle’, leaving their little heart ache footprints as they just wander through.

So with the chosen Fairy Godmother’s , the celebrant, the cake and the designer confetti, the Glistening was on!

The Glistening begins with the candle lighting

The Glistening Cake

Full of all the magical moments big and small including the knowledge and comfort that Sienna will always be looked after,whether I’m here or not.

‘Glistening Treats’

As I’m not up to my normal ‘retail rigour’, I decided to ‘online shop’ the whole Glistening, which felt great! Even the courier was glad to see me, and asked, “where you been ‘Ratchel’, I not see you for long time”?

Wishing Tree

Glistening Flower Cake
made by Aunty Kim

Sienna and I spent the days before making a Wishing Tree for guests to hang their wishes on for her future. She wrote her own personal wish for each guest, and each of her guests in turn, wrote one for her. My favourite being, “I wish Sienna could fly.”

Sienna’s Wish

Making it official

So the Glistening’s done and Sienna’s got her Fairy Godmother’s …… what next?? Renewing the vows?

A happy fairy

I still like the old joke about, the agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac who sat up all night, wondering if there really was a dog?

I think that’s me! ……. No, not the dog.

Ps Thanks my friend Rachel Devine for capturing all the beautiful moments with your lens..

A Sweet Glistening Read More »

The Glamorous Side to Chemo

Rachel / July 29, 2011

July 28th Visiting Mummy in Hospital
Being resourseful with a latex glove, to have some fun!
Playing Glove Tennis with Dad!

So I have just ticked off my fourth cycle of ‘health nectar’ for the year, only two to go! Right in time for one of my troops birthday and spring. A good time to grow my hair back!

After I leave the hospital the next morning, I’m full to the brim with so much fluid from litres of drugs. I do a final inspection in the mirror and hope that the makeup I’ve put on helps me look a little human. I feel like I’m staring into one of those crazy mirrors you see at fairs and theme parks, my face looks like someone has just put a pump in my ear and pumped up my face like the GoodYear Blimp, with five little neat chins hanging off the end.

The physical changes that happen to your body when you go through chemo aren’t the best for your self-esteem. Losing your hair is hard, especially eyebrows and eyelashes which are the very things that give you the frame to your face and make you….you. I’m clinging onto my remaining lashes and brows for dear life and as every precious one falls out, I say a little farewell and am overcome with a tiny sense of loss.

As for the weight gain arghhh, I feel like a life size cabbage patch doll on steroids, not the cutest sight!

Cabbage Patch Doll
Me minus the hair!

I have recently discovered I have Lymphedema, which I refer to as “fatis armis’.

Because I had lymph nodes taken out of from under my arm back in 2006. Any trauma on that side of the body, including the surgeries I had last year can cause swelling and because there’s no lymph nodes to push the fluid through it just sits there.

So know I have ‘wankles’ (fat wrists) as opposed to ‘kankles’ (fat ankles), that will probably come next. I feel sad because I can no longer wear my wedding rings, so I have them on a chain around my neck.

There’s a new addition to the ‘medical entourage’, Maree!

Maree’s a nurse and a Lymphedema specialist. She is determined to fix me and comes over to massage the fluid out of my arm and hand give me exercises and introduces me to the ‘glove’. Mmmm.

She was here until 10pm last night massaging, squeezing and pushing the fluid out of my arm around to my back, where the other lymph nodes can collect it and take it away to the rest of my body.

As I get into bed and stare down at my elephant woman arm with the sleave and glove pulled tightly over it, I think of Michael Jackson and his glove, I suppose it’s not that bad.

The Glove
So much prettier when you take a photo of it near
a rose, don’t you think?

No one ever told me cancer would be this glamorous!

To pep me up and help cope with the physical changes that you go through with chemo. I once attended what the Brave Man described as ‘wig school.’

It was when I was first ill 5 years ago and the chemo nurse suggested I give this a try. It is a volunteer based workshop that is sponsored by the cosmetic industry for people who have lost their hair, eyebrows and lashes, yep the whole kit. A well-meaning and well run workshop, just “not my cup of cino!”

Being a little nervous Nancy, I had to take my Besty Troop with me, just for a bit of hand holding.

1987
Last Day of School
Tiffy and Me
Friends for 28 Years

I think it lost me when the lady, in charge, gave us some advice on turban wearing. I was taught that if you wear a turban, with a shoulder pad in the top, it will give you “that extra bit of height.” Also, just for that added ‘va va voom’, “attach your favourite clip on earrings” to your turban rather than your ears because the ears can become quite sensitive.

Needless to say, I have perservered with scarves, unfortunately, wigs make me look like a very unattractive drag queen and turbans with shoulder pads, well….. it’s just not a good look!

I know it’s still me on the inside, it’s just the outside that’s hard to cope with.
But the ‘Brave Man’ still brings me home flowers’ and my little fairy brings me home her drawings of a mum with bright blue eyes and wearing pretty dresses, and a colourful scarf.

July 2011
Sienna and Billi save some of their own
hair for me at the hairdressers.
Thought I might stick it to the front of a
peaked cap a s a fringe?

The Glamorous Side to Chemo Read More »

The Progress Report!

Rachel / July 21, 2011

July 21, 2011
My Lucky Charms

‘THE LEAD UP’

Saturday AM

You know you’re anxious about your CT scan, when you wake up in the morning realising you just dreamed that you had an internal ultrasound out the front of Coles, with all the shoppers in the express lane looking on.

I remember thinking in my dream, how relieved I felt that they said they couldn’t see anything in my lungs, but how weird I felt, being on display like I was a ‘red spot special’.

It’s three days before my scan, which will show if the chemo is doing its job.
I know this is necessary but the anxiety leading up to it is like that feeling you have when you wake up in the morning after your first heartbreak. That reality punch in the stomach and the heartache that follows.

I have controlled anxiety right now, although my little ‘Nervous Nancy’ persona pops her head up now and then with those stomach wrenching thoughts of, “what if”?

“What if the chemo isn’t working, what if it has spread somewhere else, what if they run out of treatment options, what if my liver is full of it, what if my liver has disappeared altogether, what if my head explodes off my shoulders because I’m going crazy with what if?”

I use the breathing exercises I have been taught to get rid of ‘Nancy’ and to quell the queasiness I feel in my stomach, but will look forward to getting the next week over and done with.

In the mean time I look for positive signs that everything’s is going to be ok…..

‘THE SCAN’

Tuesday AM

My alarm has just gone off, a reminder to be up and showered and give myself plenty of time to drink a litre of ‘contrast fluid’ an hour before I go in. This is supposed to give the radiographer a clearer picture of what’s going on. By the way, I hate that I know all this medical information. I loved the old ignorant days, when I thought cancer was a star sign and terminal was a bus station.

I will drink this and imagine that I’m having a cocktail with my friends who just sent me a parcel from Greece. Cheers from Santorini!

After being greeted by ‘my old friend’ Noel the radiographer, I lie on the examination bed & slowly go through the CT tunnel. I close my eyes and take my mind back to when Sienna was born when she was first placed on my chest, the intense feeling of love and happiness was so overwhelming. I feel calm and happy.

December 11, 2004
Sienna 10 minutes old

Tuesday PM

I wish I hadn’t made that cocktail joke!

I’m lying in bed tonight after feeling like I have been drinking moonshine and rocket fuel all day with a bunch of hobos. I had a terrible reaction to the contrast fluid which left me dreadfully ill all day. I even had to call ‘Code P’, I was that sick. I called my ‘Health Stylist’ (my oncologist) and he assured me that this can happen to ‘some’ people. Great! If it’s a possibility, I’ll have it…. develop it…… or be it! Typical!!

NB: ‘Code P’ is ring the Parents to come over to help.

Caulfield 1972
‘Parent Troopers’
I love this family photo

‘THE WAIT’

It will be another two days before I hear my results. I’ve kept myself fairly busy today trying not to think about “what if”? When I find my mind wandering into ‘what if’ territory, I start my deep breathing exercises and let the thoughts pass through, like ships in the night. If anyone heard me they’d think I’ve been possessed by Darth Vader, I’m not the quietest deep breather around.

Tonight as a treat, I let Sienna sleep in my bed. I curl up beside her and listen to her quiet sleeping breaths and feel her warm little hand hold mine as she sleeps. I think about how much I love her and Gary and have to believe that tomorrow’s results will be ok.

A few Troops 2009
Mandy, Tiff, Me, Ange and Linda

‘THE RESULTS’

I don’t see my ‘Health Stylist’ until later in the afternoon, so I spend the morning with Sara one of my ‘troops’ and enjoy some fun and laughter. Meanwhile, the other troops are gathering their momentum of support and the messages start coming through, “thinking of you today”, “I know you’re going to be ok”, “you’re a fighter”. I feel good that there’s an army of hope and belief behind me, that today’s results will be ok.

Meanwhile I think of my Aunty, who is also my Fairy God Mother as she commences her journey on her own medical travelator. She’s having a double mastectomy today, I feel confused and sad for her and wonder why does this have to happen.

The Brave Man arrives home to take me to my appointment. Like a Knight in Shining Armour he comes through the door looking braver than ever. I almost feel compelled to look out the front for his white horse tied to the fence.

As I pull my 18^th lucky charm over my wrist and tuck Maggie, (Sienna’s favourite bunny) into my handbag, I kiss my ‘parent troopers’ good bye and give my little fairy about 50 hugs and tell her I’ll be back soon.

Noosa November 2010
Playing on the beach with my Brave Man

The Brave Man is working over time, talking about anything and everything that’s not related to anything medical, just to keep my mind preoccupied. He did a good job because before I knew it, we were sitting in my ‘Health Stylists’ waiting room.

My heart is pounding and my palms are getting clammy, I’ve been in this room so many times before and have waited for results as many times, and here I am again.

I suggest to the Brave Man that he goes in first, listens to the results and then he can come back out and tell me. But he wasn’t having a bar of that.

My ‘Health Stylist’ calls my name and I nearly trip over my heart as it sinks to my feet.

I study his face to see if he’s got that worried, concerned, “I’m about to tell you something I wish I didn’t have to” look. But he just smiled and seemed genuinely happy to see me. It’s got to be a good sign, but he always smiles, what if, what if, what if??

As I was spinning into “what if territory” again, I hear the words……”Well your results are really good”.

I think it was a race between the Brave Man and I who would leap over his desk and hug him first.

“Your lungs look great, the spots on your liver have either disappeared altogether or reduced in size.” He said that there’s 80% gone and we’re still on track for just three more rounds of chemo.”

Breathe out……….. I’m happy!

I ask him how his holiday was.

June 2011
Lorne Beach

The Progress Report! Read More »

The Kindness of Others

Rachel / July 6, 2011

‘The Kiss of Life’
My friend Dee coming in for some chemo ‘fun time’.

I’ve just opened a parcel from my beautiful sister-in-law, the Brave Man’s sister, who is, in her own right a Brave Sister and Mother. Out of the parcel I pull a beautiful and soft ‘home knitted’ wrap. Every loop knitted with love from someone who cares so much. She said, “I just feel helpless, I don’t know what to do”. I must say, I was a little misty eyed, that someone could go to this much effort just for me. I feel safe and cosy when I wrap it around my shoulders, there’s something magical and lovely about it that makes me feel better.

My bed, my office

So sitting on my bed, with my new wrap hugging my shoulders, I began to think about what, ‘my story’ was all about. You know, the journey, the challenge, the story….. I don’t think it’s about a person who is trying to come to terms with living with cancer and the fears of….. “will I ever have to say good-bye?” But more about the discovery of a whole new amazing world of human kindness and compassion.

So I’m on the ‘medical travelator’, been taken from constant appointments with oncologists, specialists, surgeons and having so many tests and scans. I end up having scans of the tests and tests of the scans. In fact, it wouldn’t surprise me if I was scanned going through the checkout at Coles, just for the sake of it.

And in between all this, having chemotherapy that enters your body like a swat team of elite storm troopers, marching through and obliterating everything in sight that looks like it shouldn’t be there. (Shame they didn’t get the memo not to touch my hair!)

Painting Sienna’s toe nails whilst Rachel Devine captures the moment

My hair falls out and I retreat to my cave of ill health, I remind myself it has to be done and I think of my angel Sienna and my ‘Brave Man’, my husband Gary. The sickness and nausea which is like having jetlag, morning sickness a night on the town and been given 4 hours of nonstop wizzy-dizzies lasts for about 10 days, where bed is my comfy friend and writing is my therapy

With all this, it doesn’t leave much time or energy for anything else.

That’s where the kindness of others, comes in. The Community has protected and nurtured us in our time of need, like a mother’s arms. I’ve been so humbled by what people have done for us, just to make life easier and to let us know that we’re not doing this on our own. They don’t do it for praise, they do it because they genuinely want to help.

Support like this, is the greatest healer!

From a simple text message, that reminds you, your friends think about you and they care. To a weekly fresh baked batch of choc chip biscuits left at the front door from a mum at school.

As soon as we found out I was sick again this year, my friend Rachel, who is a professional photographer, cancelled all her shoots for the day and came around to capture some beautiful moments with Gary, Sienna and me. She wanted to do this before my hair fell out. Some beautiful shots that you’ll see more of throughout my journal.

I’ve had all the mainstream religions covered, with the local fruiterer praying to Allah for me, the retired nuns around the corner keeping me in their prayers and my girlfriend who has converted to Buddhism imparting her wisdom of the Four Nobel Truths. There has even been a monastery in Tasmania that sent me a special blessing for good health. Not bad for an agnostic.

Nat, one of my troops, lit this candle for me at St Pats Cathedral New York

Candles have been lit in churches from Croatia to New York by friends traveling the world. I think I have every beautiful healing crystal known to man and a sweet smelling kit of different oils for different ailments given to me by one of my troops.

My friends who own a local restaurant in Brighton, not only have dinners cooked for us and delivered every night, but carefully and lovingly plan the meals so that they suit my ‘chemo’ taste buds. There’s even separate meals made for the Brave Man and Sienna.

As the ‘chemo cloud’ lifts, I look forward to the fresh air and sunshine on my face and go down to get my favourite coffee from the Pantry. When I arrive, I’m treated like royalty, all the staff are so genuinely happy to see me out and about, that they all come and greet me with hugs and kisses , I reckon if they had access to a marching band, I’d be greeted with the full five star reception!

And every week, when I just couldn’t make it out of the house, the local Fruit and Vegie grocer would go out of his way to drop fresh fruit and vegie at my front door.

The local ironing lady and her husband took it upon themselves to do our ironing for a year so we “didn’t have to worry about that chore.” She said to my Brave Man, “You have money, I have money, it doesn’t matter, we help each other!” This is our nurturing community at work.

With aching muscles that have been pummelled by chemo, I get a knock at the door and greeted by a big beautiful smile by masseur Dee, who gives up her Sunday afternoons to comfort my poor weary body with her soothing hands and talks to me about her Think Out Loud Coaching which always leaves me inspired and positive.

Local workmen ‘downed their tools’ to come and help

I am even receiving kindness from strangers, I had to move furniture to prepare for Sienna’s Glistening (more bout that later) and because I’ve got as much strength as a dead ferret, we asked the builders on the corner of my street for help. Five minutes later two guys walked in that looked like Popeye and Conan the Barbarian, with their arms the size of cannons picked up the table like a feather, did their bit and off they went, with flowers arriving and gifts on the door step, it was a great day that day!

Another thoughtful gift from Catherine

Lisa another one of the ‘troops’, dropped off flowers
with a homemade handpainted card

Even the school community where Sienna attends grade one have been so supportive, with an endless supply of offers to pick her up and drop her off from both the mums and teachers. I think if I took them all up, I could sleep in until she reaches VCE. Every week two mums in particular just organised without question, that they would take Sienna to ballet and drop her back home to me…. so kind.

Sienna skipping off with her friends after school

And I’m always receiving messages of hope and love from mums, dads and teaches at her school, all willing to do something to make Sienna’s day that little bit happier. Just a cuddle from her teachers goes along way and she is as happy as a lark!

And often when the Brave Man and I are turning into our driveway after coming back from some sort of medical appointment or a long day of chemo, there on the door step a little gift will be left with a card of best wishes and warm words of support. These could come from my close friends or a mum at school I’ve only said hello to in passing. It’s these acts of kindness that get me through it, help me stay positive.

The Brave Man in “Sickness and in Health”

The Brave Man never misses an appointment with me, he’s always there to hold my hand. This is thanks to the generosity and compassion his employer has given us, by never questioning the time he spends with me, and all they hope for, is for me to get better.

And at the end of my treatment in 6 months, where I’m left with a tired and weary body which has fought so hard, my friend and amazing nutritionist and personal trainer Donna Aston, will be waiting to get me back on track and give me back a healthy and fit body.

Le Saffranier in Bonnieux Provence, a place we hold close to our hearts

Our community of care doesn’t just limit itself to Australia. A beautiful Swedish lady Anna, who I have only ever corresponded via email and text has invited us back next year or 2013, to her amazing 18^th Century Farmhouse which is her holiday house in the South of France. Bonnieux is the village, and it has never let us down. We are always filled with happy memories and cherished moments when we are there. It’s these memories that both the Brave Man and I focus on to get us through.

May 2011
Having fun at the Bonnieux Market

I love the Dalai Lama’s wise words, “Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive.” The kindness of others has played a major role in my little family triumphing over this, and still does, as our journey continues. I am glad I have been given the chane to think about what ‘my story’ is.

So I think mine for now, it is the enlightening experience I have had with the beauty of human kindness.

As I post this, I’ve just received a CD of meditation from a gorgeous guy and friend who works locally and an exquisite head scarf sent all the way from Greece, from our friends travelling the world.

No words can describe my heartfelt thanks.

The Kindness of Others Read More »

Ooger Booger!

Rachel / June 29, 2011

Nurse Rachel 1974

Nurse Sienna 2007

I’ve never really been a, ‘slap wet fish over my head’ kind of girl, or walk around the house with incense hanging out of my ears kind of girl.

But having gone through this illness, a few new doors have opened, and I’ve been peeking in side.

“Ooger Booger”, I’d call it, the “realm of the unknown”, the “weirdo babble” that some would speak.

I’ve always avoided walking under ladders or opening umbrellas in the house, but never entered the ‘alternative’ world!

However, a life change such as the one I’m going through, opens your eyes and your thinking to other things.

My first experience was my visit to Dr Mumbo Jumbo, in Upper Heidelberg, who promised the ‘Ultimate Consultation’. It took Dad and me so long to get there that I was nearly in remission by the time we found the strange little place. With a yellow highlighter he coloured in a big dot and instructed me to stare at it every day for 20 minutes, which would basically make me “feel better”. I thought at the time, the only thing that will make me “feel better” is walking out your door Mr Loopy. After handing over the $300 for the ‘Ultimate Consultation’, I spent weeks watching A Current Affair to see if he’d pop up on any of their ‘Dodgy Doctor’ exposes.

Dr Mumbo Jumbo
Sienna 2007

But still I didn’t give up, I wanted to persevere, I wanted to become a ‘believer’, even though Ooger Booger went against my cynical grain of existence. My next stop was with 80 year old Nancy who came with great credentials, she had been awarded the Medal of the Order of Australia the year I met her in 2006, for service to the community, particularly people living with cancer.

She was just lovely, a real Grandma, I would sit in her lounge room with a cup of tea and spend the next hour chatting and being introduced to meditation. I really enjoyed my time with Nancy she was so calming and healing. Then it came the time that she thought I was ready to attend a group session. Little Miss Scaredy Cat (me) never went back again.

In between all this, I drank litres of Goji Juice, Manuka Honey, Hippie Tea, spent thousands of dollars on organic products, from fruit and vegies to organic toothpaste. I visited several counsellors and swallowed a lot of supplements, and it all just made me feel that little bit more nauseous.

I knew I had to persevere, and understood that there was not only a need for me to heal physically but mentally too.

I wanted to learn how to cope with the feeling of ‘flight or fight’. Try to control the anxiety I would feel when my busy mind would take me down the road of, “am I going to die”. Before I knew it or could control it, my mind would be racing so fast, that I would be mentally preparing my own funeral, including music from the Lion King, gift bags for those who attended, a list of those who didn’t so I could haunt later and door prizes to lighten the moment.

“Trust me I’m a Doctor”
Sienna 2005

So on I went with ‘Ooger Booger’. There was eye staring therapy, (which went down a treat), hypnosis conducted by a Psychologist who thought it was a good idea to ‘break the ice’ by telling me about her Aunty’s last words, “I never knew it would be this hard to die from cancer”. Yes I was so relaxed after that little session.

A visit to a Buddhist Temple this year was a highlight and being introduced to their simple but wise teachings makes me see, it’s the simple things in life I want.

But my ‘end of the rainbow’ moment has been meeting Dr Deb this year. A beautiful and nurturing spirit who simply wants to help. I see Dr Deb once a week for guidance, meditation and learning about mindfulness. Together we’re finding my rhythm of calm to get through this moment safely.

I believe that I have found what I have been searching for over the past years. But I’m still having gift bags and door prizes! And the Lion King!

The Three of Us
2007

Ooger Booger! Read More »

The Chemo Chameleon!

Rachel / June 27, 2011

I had a moment today.

Putting all my scarves in my top draw. It seems only 5 minutes ago that I ceremonially folded them all up and packed them back in their boxes to be placed in the back of a cupboard, along with my old shoulder pads and clip-on earrings from the eighties, never to see the light of day again. But here I am dragging them out again.

January 2006

My hair is like velcro now, so short and spikey and unfortunately attracts a lot of foreign objects. Like when I looked in the mirror the other day (which I routinely try to avoid these days) and saw this piece of fluff stuck to my velcro hair. It took a while to realise it was the lint out of the dryer…. Nice look glamour puss!! Needless to say, I’m very thorough checking the velcro in the morning to make sure I don’t have one of the Brave man’s socks stuck to it or something.

June 2006

So it got me thinking. I’ve had more hairstyles than hot dinners over the last 6 years, I’m not even sure who I am anymore. Even poor little Sienna is confused. Since she’s learnt to draw, she’ll often bring home drawings of me that she’s lovingly done at school. At first with long blonde hair, the next short ‘mannish’ hair and the other day it was a drawing of me wearing a scarf.

I don’t know whether to hug her for her cuteness or hug her because I wish so much she had a normal mum.

December 2006
Christmas

Unfortunately the only hair that has remained consistent like a loyal dog, is one little black hair that hangs from my chin, like Fu Manchu. It’s chemo proof, bomb proof and nuclear proof. What’s with that? It’s up to the ‘Troops’ now to be alert but not alarmed and tell me when they can see it, so I can get rid of it……this is what they do.

October 2007
The Curls!

I remember when I first had chemo back in 2006 and the chemo nurse was telling me how some women’s hair grows back like a tight perm. I remember thinking at the time, how awful the poor things, If it’s not bad enough going through cancer and losing your hair but then for it to grow back like an eighties perm, is just terrifying. I know the oldies love a good set and perm, but not me, I was 36 years old. Not for a minute did I think it would happen to me.

December 2008
Christmas

It’s one of the biggest challenges losing your hair, eyebrows and eyelashes, looking totally unrecognisable to yourself, any glimpse of your reflection and the pit of your stomach gets a big knot in it. You know it’s not the real you and it’s a reminder that you are really sick. I feel sorry for my Brave Man, I’m not the girl on the outside he married, I look like that guy out of that comedy Little Britain. I’m so glad he loves me for who I am.

December 2009
Christmas

The other issue I face with being a Chemo Chameleon is all my ID’s. My driver’s licence, passport and other ID’s are all different. I must look like I am committing identity fraud with all the different looks.

Now and again I would get strange looks when I had to produce ID, but it wasn’t until I was in the Post Office one day last year that someone made a comment.

September 2010

I was sending a parcel to a friend and had to produce my Driver’s Licence. My Driver’s licence is nine years old and the photo is of a very blonde me, with long hair. At the time I went into the Post Office my hair had just grown back & it was very short and black. The lady behind the counter looked at my driver’s licence photo and then looked back at me and said, “I much prefer you with your long blonde hair.” I was a little taken aback, it wasn’t my fault that I looked like GI Jane, yes I’d much prefer my blonde hair too. And without thinking, I blurted out, “Yes, cancer will do that to you”. Well the poor lady, she was so apologetic and then proceeded to go through her family tree of who had had cancer in her family.

May 2011
Photo taken by my friend Rachel Devine
3 days after my first chemo for 2011

So who knows why your hair grows back in all different ways after chemo, it’s a question, I’ve never had answered. All I know, is that once my hair starts growing back it means that treatment is finished and I can move on.

June 2011
Lorne Beach hair falling out

I don’t think I’ll ever have bad hair days again, I’ll just be happy to have my hair back and go back to being me and my little girl can just draw the one version of me.

June 25th 2011
Me and my girl!

June 27th 2011
Picture drawn by Sienna of Mummy in her scarf

The Chemo Chameleon! Read More »

Our little routine!

Rachel / June 16, 2011

November 1998
Had just met the Brave Man a week before
and didn’t realise that this boy
sitting next to me would be the love of my life.

So now that I’ve started ‘the plan’, we have a new little routine in place.

Today I see my health stylist (oncologist) and go in for my second round of chemo. I always like to dress up in my finest, pack the make-up on and pretend there’s nothing wrong.

My little voice of denial inside of me thinks, “If I look ok when I see him, then he won’t tell me any bad news.”

So with the Brave Man by my side, in we go. I immediately tell my Health Stylist how good he looks given he’s just come back from a big conference in Chicago, ask him about the family, his dog (even though he doesn’t have one) and did you happened to find a cure for cancer since we last caught up? Anything to avoid him asking me about me.

Unfortunately, he knows me too well by now and brings the focus back to me, telling me not to avoid myself and asks how I’m doing. I figure if I tell him I’m super-dooper, he’ll believe me and won’t tell me anything bad. The Brave Man gets cross with me for talking through my ‘rose coloured backside’ and reminds me to tell the real truth. The sickness, the struggle to breathe, the abdomen and chest pain, the coughing, the swelling of my arm, and the list goes on. I’m just about as healthy as a one legged warthog!

About as a healthy as a one
legged Warthog!

Then he mentions the next scan is due soon. My heart sinks and my stomach feels like it’s been turned inside out. I go very quiet. The Brave Man takes the details in on when it will happen and what we need to do. Trying not to listen, I ask my Health Stylist if he’s sure that he doesn’t have a dog?

I normally don’t like asking questions for fear of the answers, but my little ‘brave person voice’ inside snuck out a question, I could have smacked her like a naughty child.

“What would you expect to see on my next scans?” I ask, hearing my voice & at the same time digging my fingernail into my leg trying to stop myself from finishing the question.

He says that he’s confident that the spots on my liver should be significantly reduced. That’s good enough for me and I give the Brave Man the look of, “let’s get the ‘one legged warthog’ out of here” before the little Brave person voice asks something else.
So off for the next round of ‘health nectar’.
After 4 hours in the chair, we finally make our way to my hospital bed.

My Health Nectar!

That afternoon in hospital as the chemo kicks in, I lie there tired and losing a bit of chipperness and watch my Brave Man diligently fill out my dinner menu, the standard medical history form and make phone calls organising Sienna’s pick up from school.

As I watch this amazing person, I think about the day we met and I never could have imagined how lucky I really was.

My thoughts are interrupted when he makes a funny comment about the form and we laugh so much.
I just love how much I love him and how much he makes me laugh. And I love our little routine.

Getting some little peron’s

help pushing around the

trolley

Coming into visit me in hospital, Sienna

brings her little friend Gem.Seems like the

‘up and down’bed and the remote control TV

was more exciting than me!

Our little routine! Read More »

To wig or not to wig…..that is the question!

Rachel / June 15, 2011

As Dolly Parton once said, “There’s a heart beneath the boobs and a brain beneath the wig”
So why am I so turned off about wearing a wig? Is it the fact that it looks soooo obvious, or is it that I’m so paranoid that I’ll go out wearing it backwards by mistake.

And I’m constantly reminded about the story I was once told about the lady on a train in Melbourne who was wearing a wig and it got stuck to the velcro on the guys jacket next to her. You can imagine what happened when he got up to get off at his stop.

Needless to say when I first got sick back in 2006, my Besty Troops took me out for some wig shopping. It was desperately sad but funny at the same time. Off we went into the city and learnt about the world of wigs. The first thing we learnt was that every wig has a name. Not short brown bob, or long blonde curl. Amongst others, there were, Romance, Hagnas, Betty Boo, Patricia and Sharon.

I chose Carol, a little blonde flicky thing, I took it home tried it on and I think it took 3-7 minutes before I plonked it in Sienna’s dress up basket. She was 1 ½ at the time, so if she was ever invited to an ‘Adams Family Party’ she could go a ‘Cousin It’.

The only other time I bought a wig was back in 2006 when the Braveman had his birthday. I was still in the middle of chemo and we were in need of a party, something positive to celebrate.
And that’s when ‘Affair’ was purchased. A wild wig, not only with a sultry name, but with a crazy auburn colour. In my chemo induced state I thought I’d look pretty raunchy. It was the first time we had been out in a long time, I was still feeling very sick but wanted to make an effort for my Braveman.

I even got a makeup artist in to draw on my eyebrows and stick some eyelashes on.

We had drinks at our house with friends and then out to a restaurant for dinner.

You know when you greet someone at the door and their smile turns into a half smile quiver and their eyes drift from yours to the floor. And you can see they’re trying so hard not to mouth the words, “Hi Rach it’s great to see you looking so wig” Well I should have realised, something just wasn’t looking right.

I’M NOT A WIG PERSON!

The next day when I saw the party photos, all I could think of was two words……. “DRAG QUEEN”. And a bad one at that!

So since then, no wigs, it will have to be scarves and big sunnies.

It’s very hard to lose your hair no matter how many times it happens to you. The chemo is lethal and it takes away a lot of self-esteem and dignity as a woman. But I know it’s there to take away the other stuff and I have to keep reminding myself of that.
And during the times I’m at home just getting around in my baldness I might walk past a mirror and catch myself thinking, “Oh George Colombaris from Master Chef has come for a visit, how nice.”

So thanks Dolly for your quote, but it’s been my Boobs that have got me into trouble in the first place and I’ll leave the wig thing to you. If anyone can pull a wig off it’s you, not this mum from the burbs!

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The Ultimate Bad Hair Day

Rachel / June 14, 2011

We had a beautiful long weekend in Lorne, fresh air, the beach and happy children always makes you feel great.

I’m tired but happy to be away for the weekend, distractions are always good for me and takes me back to the normal life I once had.

Sienna’s little friend is staying with us and I listen to them laugh at each other’s jokes and giggle about leaving bread out for the Cockies. It’s such a feeling of comfort when you know your child is happy and hear their laughing, I savour this moment.

Anyway, this morning was very fresh to say the least, the Braveman had joked with the girls that it gets so cold in the morning at Lorne that they’d need nose warmers and they thought this was the funniest thing ever.

Meanwhile I greet myself in the bathroom, still in my dressing gown and wonder why I have two very hairy shoulder pads stuck to my shoulders, then I realise……. no I hadn’t bought a new pair of funky Sass & Bide shoulder pads, this was the bad hair day I wasn’t ever looking forward to. This was my hair and it’s falling out like snow!

I try and be brave and think to myself “It’s only hair”, but it’s not just hair, it’s my hair and it’s part of me being me. I call out to the Braveman and in he comes to see my hairy shoulder pads and a bunch hanging off my lip, not the most attractive look.
As my tears well up I look at him and say “I thought I’d get used to it by now”. Like he does all so often, he looks at me with his compassionate eyes and says, “no one should get used to their hair falling out.” I just love him even more.

When it’s time to fall out, there’s no real stopping it, it falls out everywhere. I was tempted to dry it off with the hair dryer but was worried I’d blow it off all over the wall on the other side of the room. I’m not sure the Braveman’s mum (who’s known as Granny the Bravewoman), would appreciate a hairy wall in her holiday house.

So I wait for it to dry and hope like hell there’s not some big gust of wind that will blow it off like those ‘fairy wishing flowers’ Sienna blows to make a wish.

I put the call into one of my Troops and she’s on ‘high alert’ with the clippers, ready to whip and snip.

That night I’m given a number one, my poor little Troop was a bit nervous so I had to ply her with vino and she did a great job.

My fairy comes home to see the result and loves the spikey feel.

I told her that I was playing Rapunzel and I thought I heard the prince call out from the bottom of the castle, “Shave off your hair”, and once I got my hearing checked I realised he said, “throw down your hair.” She roared with laughter.

The next day after school, Sienna brings home a new drawing.

NB: If I was a 6 foot gorgeous African supermodel, of course being bald would look amazing on me, but I’m not. I’m a short dumpy bald mum from the Burb’s, so please don’t tell me that being bald suits me.

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The Chemo Cloud

Rachel / May 30, 2011

A few days have passed since my first chemo and admittedly I feel like a piece of road kill. There’s no other way to describe how it makes me feel, but I take comfort in the thought that it’s making me better.

My lovely friend offers to take photos of my little family, she’s so magic with the lens and with a click she captures the love we have for each other. These will always be treasured. One of my favourites is my blog photo.

I spend my days in bed and look forward to my little fairy coming home from school so I can ask her what she did during the day, she’ll give me the biggest cuddle and answer with, “I can’t remember, can I have something to eat?”

Sometimes when I’m feeling a little blue, I sneak into her bed while she’s at school and snuggle in. I think about how she is also very brave and I’m proud of the compassionate and caring little girl she is becoming.
Leaving little notes on my pillow at night, coming home with drawings of mum each day and loving me no matter what I look like on the outside.

I know as a family we’ll pull through all this craziness and we’ll be dynamite. If you thought the Partidge Family were cool, wait to the West’s are back!
And who knows maybe Sienna just might be the one who cures cancer?

As I feel the chemo cloud lifting and no longer feel quite like I’ve been given 3 hours of non stop wizzy dizzies, the sky gets bluer and the sun brighter and I know I’ve nearly turned the corner.

Each day I check my pillowcase for strands of hair that might have fallen out overnight, but nothing, and I secretly hope I will be one of the lucky ones and it won’t fall out.

One of my Besty Troops is having her 40th on the weekend so I’m hoping so much that I can make it. It’s a 70’s party so I went online and bought the Braveman and I the biggest afros in the universe.
Who knows, maybe it will be my new look, although Sienna did instruct me not to wear it when I pick her up from school. I don’t understand why?

It’s about 10 days since chemo and I’m watching the Braveman doing all the washing and folding the towels. I hear myself getting grumpy with him because he hasn’t folded the towels in towel size order and the corners aren’t perfectly matched. In my grumpiness and his annoyance for me being grumpy, we know it’s a good thing because it’s a sign I’m feeling better and I’ve turned the corner! I love him so much!

I’m able to get to my Besty Troop’s 40th, albeit for 2 hours, and able to go wild with a tap of my foot on the dance floor. The Braveman was watching intently from far away with his code blue paddles hidden under his fro. It was great to celebrate with my dear friend and share her happiness.

We are happy!

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